I’m alive but I’m dead

I’m alive but I’m dead

  I’m dead and I’m still alive!!!?? I’m just breathing and looking, my brain is still processing information but with no sense and no feelings; I’m just doing things, I guess, because I just learned that they’re supposed to be done. I don’t feel happy anymore when I succeed doing something or I achieve a certain result; but I just feel something when my 4 year old daughter  Sara or one of my two boys hugs me; It is not happiness, it’s something else painful and it makes me immediately cry or want to cry. And if I don’t cry because I don’t want her to see that, I extremely suffer from inside.  It’s hard to say what it’s like to feel dead inside. To me, it’s kind of like someone removed all the organs of my chest and left a deep dark void where there is nothing left but a painful, sucking black hole. It feels like all the organs that are supposed to function and do something – my heart and my soul – have been removed. And this removal has left open, bleeding gashes. A tearing, itching and bleeding Wounds. And just knowing that my heart and soul have been removed is tremendously painful. Feeling the organs absence is like feeling the absence of oxygen from the lungs. It puts one into trepidation and near-death state. And the thing about having your insides removed is that you really do feel the necrosis process in all your body has started. I don’t feel I’m a human being anymore; I’m just a mound of pain. What is happiness? What does it mean?  I feel my brain has been formatted like a hard drive just to wipe out and sweep away all the good memories, because to me they’re all were just introductions to extreme pain. They go away and they leave only pain in a form of a burning acid rotting out any sweetness. When I find myself in a gorgeous place, when I look at a sunset …etc my chest is always full with terrible nothingness which ensures an absolute bitterness and lack of any type of good feelings. I’m looking around me every day, and asking questions I cannot answer!!!! Why criminals are happy and I’m not? Why these things are happening to me and not to the careless people? Yes, there is GOD! I believe that and I’m waiting to meet him to have the answers, but should I continue in this life not knowing the answers? I’m just a normal human being who commits mistakes every once in a while, but I don’t think that my mistakes can rise to be punishable this way!!! When I evaluate my life, I find myself in defending positions all the time, and never once ran after someone or some animal or even a plant to hurt. As long as I remember, I was always trying to do what I see to be good thing looking for so-called happiness and righteousness, and I always end up sinking in negative results. Is this really life???? Is this what is it about? I know the answer!! The answer is a capital “NO”, it’s only for me and not somebody else. Here, the big question kicks my brain!!! Why only me??? I’m so very much eager to go to the other world and meet GOD to have an answer, and tell him if he too hates me just get it over with, and just extirpate this pain from my chest!!!! I’m so extremely tired, tired, tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

         By

JELLOUL HAJLAOUI